by andrew lovatt

I was
once
sitting alone
in nothingness
engulfed in solitude
oppressed by singularity
yet watching you
beloved nothingness
slowly eating away
at my edges
I sighed

In my anguish
I opened my hand
& one bead of sweat
rolled down across my palm
& fell into your nothingness
and my fascinated gaze
followed it down into the void
until I became these worlds
and saw you burst into life
before my eyes
so that I forgot my aloneness
& lost myself in you

I became woman
& gave birth to myself
Child of your flesh
I suckled at your breast
Grown man in your womb
I fathered millions
& ate the afterbirth
Became male & female & polygender
assassin, saint, pervert & fool
I buried my hopes
in search of your
silence

I am no longer singular
but cast upon existence
like a lost tribe in search
of the answer to the riddle
Dear, beloved nothingness
are you then
the Mother of My Anguish?
Shall I return to you
again and again
until I no longer sense
my separate existence?
Will I stop being god or goddess
and become inconceivable
& inscrutable
nothing
like you?

[]

philadelphia 1992